How to Kick a Baby's Ass (6 Moves That'll Guarantee Victory)

One of the most common misconceptions is the innocence and fragility of the human baby. Hidden behind their adorable faces and pudgy, dough-like skin is a dangerous and sometimes deadly force.

In order to protect yourself from one of these treacherous creatures, you'll need to learn its weaknesses, as well as some of the best techniques for pummeling their cute little faces into the ground.

Here are some of the best hand-to-hand combat moves to defeat a baby, as laid out by dad and professional baby fighter Gavin McInnes.

#1. The Throwdown

Due to the small size of the average baby, most adults or children over the age of five will be able to lift a baby off the ground. While lifted, you can then toss the baby either over the shoulder, or power out through the chest, onto a plush surface.

While baby combat is intense, ample padding is necessary.

#2. The Form Tackle

Get your best Ray Lewis impression on and tackle that baby before it's too late.

#3. The Choke Hold

Classic grip for your local crib ninja. Watch out for the venomous drool that results. If it gets on your skin, wash it off and soon as you can.

#4. The Sleeper Hold

Baby thinks crying is the way to get what he wants... think again. Replace the warm milk before bed with a standard sleeper hold.

#5. The Tickle

A formidable, yet underused hand combat technique. Place your fingers gently on the babies body and wiggle quickly. The most effective areas are under the armpits and around the stomach.

#6. The Death Breath

Blowing onto a baby's face almost completely immobilizes them. This weakness is also found in dogs, although research has yet to yield any sort of correlation between the two species. If you truly want to incapacitate the baby, try eating foul-smelling foods beforehand like broccoli or garlic.

See the Moves in Action

To see just how effective these moves are, among others, check out Gavin's fight video below. Just watch out for those baby fingers—they might just poke your eye out.

It should be noted that not all babies are dangerous, although all babies have the special power of bombarding your Facebook news feed with numerous photos and amplifying their voice into such a high pitch squeal (also known as "crying") that sleep and sanity are sometimes forgotten.

Also, if you have taken this article seriously, you may need to consult with a mental health professional. All baby combat must be performed on a bed or cloud and requires little to no actual force.

Be the First to Comment

Share Your Thoughts

  • Hot
  • Latest